Sammich
by Sen Graham
Summary: Gin exacts revenge for being thrown out a window and Yumichika is not amused.


_This is based on a true story, I kid you not! My friend's cousin actually came into her room at 3am , sat on her, patted her face, and ate a sandwich. This fic is also related to the first chapter of Crack Fics are Fun, but can be read seperate. _

* * *

Sammich

It was a beautiful day and Rangiku the Couples Councillor was hard at work. Hard at work guzzling down a pint of sake that is. The day was going very slowly, but that could be attributed to the lack of 'couples' in Seireitei. It seemed whenever anyone got married, the wife always died...Kuchiki Hisana, Shiba's wife...how odd.

Unexpectedly the door burst open and Ayasegawa Yumichika came in dragging Ichimaru Gin by the collar. The pretty man thrust Gin into a chair and slammed his hands down on Rangiku's desk.

"I want a restraining order!" he growled.

"Then shouldn't you go to a lawyer?" asked Rangiku.

"They sent us here," chirped Gin happily, "Somethin' about bein' sure we wanted this."

"Oh I WANT a restraining order," seethed Yumichika, "This is the second time you've broken into my room and done something weird!"

"Well last time ya threw me out a window," protested Gin, "That wasn't nice Aya-kun."

"Stop calling me that!" yelled Yumichika.

"Enough!" screamed Rangiku, "Obviously you two need professional help to sort through this problem. I've already heard about the whole window thing, so why don't you start by telling me what happened this time?"

"It's a long ugly story..." grumbled Yumichika.

* * *

Yumichika lay soundly in his bed, fast asleep. His breath was deep and untroubled as his chest gently rose and fell. Or, rather, it was. Suddenly he was finding it very hard to breath, like someone was sitting just beneith his diaphragm. But that was impossible. Nobody in the eleventh dared disturb his beauty rest. Stirring slightly he moved his arms down to inspect what was going on. He started sightly when he literally felt someones presence accompanied by a disturbing sound.

"Munchmunchmunchmunchmunch..."

Violet eyes fluttered open as he spied the source of the noise. His brow furrowed when he saw it. It was an ass. A tall, skinny, heavy, silver haired ass. Yumichika snarled, "Y-you again!? Gin, get off of me you unsightly oaf!"

"Munchmunchmunchmunchmunch..."

"I said off!" repeated Yumichika as he attempted to flail. To his dismay, he discovered that the sleeves of his night robe were pinned under the silver haired sarcastic ass' ass. He also noticed that there was something hanging out of Gin's mouth. Yumichika continued to try to push him off. "What are you doing here anyways!?"

"Door was open," replied Gin between 'munches.'

"Whatever just get...what are you eating?" snapped the peacock.

"Sammich," answered the fox.

"A sandwich!? Hell no! You are not getting crumbs in my bed!" yelled Yumichika, who began to flail (sort of) again.

"Sammich is gooooooooooood," sniggered Gin as he munched.

"Oh god...are you drunk?" moaned Yumichika in a bereaved fashion.

"Nope," said Gin.

Yumichika lay back on the bed cursing this ugly fate as Gin munched his 'sammich' or whatever he called it. He could deal with this though, all he had to do was act uninteresting and Gin would go find something amusing, or so he assumed. Poor Yumichika did not know that Gin did not find amusing situations, he created and orchestrated them by pushing all manner of buttons. As the grinning menace found the pretty fifth seat was becoming boring again, he thought up a new plan.

The smaller shinigami had just convinced himself that the situation was not too bad when it became worse. Gin suddenly began half slapping and half patting down his arms and chest. "What are you doing!" Yumichika cried in outrage.

"Lookin' for yo face," smiled Gin pleasantly.

"No! Get your ugly hands off me! This is totally undignified!" yelled Yumichika as he kicked his legs, finding they were trapped under a blanket.

"Munchmunchmunchmunchmunch..."

Gin continued to chew on his sandwich, enjoying the protesting and squirming very much. The hand that was not holding food continued to search for his preferred target. There were slender arms, bony shoulders, an elegant collar bone, a slim neck, ah there it was! Finding his target, Gin began to roughly pet it, getting the most wonderful reaction from his prey.

"Stop touching my face!" Yumichika yelled as loudly as he could. "Dammit get your paws off me!"

"You're pretty," smiled Gin, who continued to pat his new toy's face.

"I said get off of me!" yelled the poor peacock, trashing about.

"Munchmunchmunchmunchmunch..."

The fox's grin widened. Poor Aya-kun fussed too much. Not that Gin minded, seeing as it was lots of fun, but all that stress could not be healthy. However, all the thrashing was making it hard to pet the pretty man's oft face, so he settled for petting his silky hair. He was pleasantly surprised to find the reaction was much improved.

"Don't. Touch. My. HAIR!" screamed Yumichika, his reiatsu practically flaring with his rage.

"Munchmunchmunchmunchmunch..."

"Stop touching me!" threatened Yumichika.

"Munch?"

"Stop it!" he shouted.

"Munchmunch..."

"Stop?" he half begged.

"Munchmunchmunchmunchmunch..."

"Look, get off or I'll call Ikkaku!" snarled Yumichika. He did not like to get Ikkaku involved with his fights, but he was willing to make an exception this time.

"Ya have a friend over?" asked Gin, looking quizzical.

"Yes, I do," said Yumichika, debating in his mind whether he should risk biting Gin's hideous fingers or not.

Gin looked confused and began to grope around the bed, looking for this mysterious third person. Yumichika rolled his eyes, "Not here!"

Gin shrugged and continued to pet Yumichika's hair and face none too gently. The touch was somewhere between a pat and a slap, and it was certainly only meant to annoy. Though Yumichika considered it disgusting and beneath him, he was very seriously contemplating biting Gin's hand. The fox hummed as he munched and raked his fingers through his prey's hair. The shinigami beneath him whimpered slightly as he continued to try to push Gin away.

Suddenly a door screeched open. Yumichika and Gin looked up to find Ikkaku standing in the doorway. The bald man looked out in confusion, since it was not everyday he saw Yumichika pinned down by Ichimaru-Taicho who was eating a sandwich. He looked like he was trying to ask something, but words would not come out of his mouth.

"Hi," said Gin.

"Uh, hi..." replied Ikkaku awkwardly.

"Ikkaku! Thank god! Get this unsightly, grinning fool off of me!" cried Yumichika.

Ikkaku grinned. It was not everyday he was invited to fight off a Captain, no matter how ridiculous the scenerio was. Gin on the other hand, paused his munching and gazed with sealed eyes at Ikkaku. "Now, now, if ya ruin my fun I'll be upset. Upset enough to...transfer ya perhaps?"

Yumichika and Ikkaku gave each other an astonished look. Suggesting a transfer for either of them might as well have been suggesting the death sentence. As the two stared shocked at the fox, Gin resumed his sammich eating.

After a long silence, Gin pulled another sandwich out of his sleeve. "Want one?" he asked Ikkaku.

"Uh...sure...I guess," said Ikkaku.

"Ikkaku! Y-you traitor!" yelled Yumichika.

"How is it?" asked Gin as Ikkaku took a bite.

"Pretty good," said Ikkaku, "How many of those are up your sleeves?"

"Enough," chirped Gin.

"That's it! When I get out of this you're both dead!" screeched Yumichika.

Gin smiled and stared tickling underneath Yumichika's chin, much like one would do to a purring cat. "Oh Aya-kun, you're so pretty when you're in a mood."

"Ikkaku do something!" insisted Yumichika.

"I'm dreaming," announced Ikkaku, "This is too weird to be real so obviously I'm dreaming."

"Yep, you're dreamin'. Better get back to bed," suggested Gin.

"Ikkaku, if you leave I swear I'll murder you!" warned Yumichika.

"Goodnight!~" called Gin.

Ikkaku went back into the room next door and Yumichika glared at his sandwich eating assailant. Gin simply patted his toy's chest reassuringly and licked his crumb covered fingers. He looked down at Yumichika and pulled something else out of his sleeve.

"What is that!?" demanded Yumichika looking at the green vial.

"A present from Izuru. Goodnight Aya-kun," smiled Gin unstopping the lid.

Yumichika flailed about as drops of the green liquid fell onto his chest. Suddenly he felt woozy and lay still for a few moments. The last thing he recalled as he drifted out of consciousness was the crinkle of plastic rap and that annoying sound. "Munchmunchmunchmunchmunch..."

A few hours latter the peacock bolted awake and yelped slightly. He looked around for any sign of the fox or crumbs or a shinten. Finding none he laid back down with a sigh. It had just been a dream after all. Come to think of it, dream-Ikkaku was right, the whole situation was too ridiculous. Why the hell would Gin come into his room at three in the morning to pat his face and eat a sandwich? Something that messed up could only happen in a dream anyways. Just to reassure himself, he checked his chest and white robe for any traces of green. He chuckled at his own childishness and pulled the blanket up over himself. What a strange dream, it would certainly be something to tell Ikkaku about.

"Good morning Aya-kun!"

Yumichika screamed as Ichimaru Gin came flying through his door and tackled him.

"Are you awake?" asked Gin childishly.

"Get the hell off of me!" yelled Yumichika.

"Aw, don't be like that, you were so much fun last night," smiled Gin, patting/slapping Yumichika on the cheek.

"Y-you perverse fox faced ugly miscreant!" screeched Yumichika, "Get off!"

"No need to be angry, I cleaned up my mess didn't I?" protested Gin, "Well, actually I woke up Izuru and he cleaned up for me, not that it matters."

"That is IT!" yelled Yumichika. With a sudden burst of strength he hauled Gin off of him and started to drag him out the door, "I am SO getting a restraining order filed!"

* * *

"And that's when we got refereed here from the law office," grumbled Yumichika.

"It's also why Aya-kun never bothered to change out of his night robe," added Gin.

"I was desperate!" cried the peacock, self consciously pulling the robe more tightly around himself.

"Alright boys, settle down. Now, from what I gathered, this was Gin getting payback for when you threw him out a window, so this sort of thing should never happen again," said Rangiku, she looked at Gin for confirmation.

"I dunno Rangi-chan, Aya-kun's lots of fun to get angry..." smirked the fox.

"Just tell them that this restraining order is really needed," ordered Yumichika.

"Actually, I think I know what the problem is," said Rangiku gravely.

"What?" asked the men.

"You two," said Rangiku solemnly, "Are in love."

"WHAT!" yelled Yumichika, "Why the hell would I fall for this ugly stupid fox face!"

"No need to be defencive!" protested Rangiku.

"Really Rangi-chan, what gave ya that impression?" asked Gin, frowning slightly.

"Well, teasing, pranks and anger are common displays of juvenile love, you keep calling Ayasegawa-san by a nickname, all of your antics seem to take place in the bedroom, and you came to the couple's councillor!" explained Rangiku.

"We came here because we were REFFERED here," growled Yumichika, "You're the only councellor in Seireitei!"

"Besides Rangi-chan I do that to lots of people, it don't mean I like 'em," shrugged Gin, "Though Aya-kun is certainly pretty enough, but I prefer women with a little more..." Gin paused to outline the shape of a curvy woman with his hands, "Ya know?"

"I'm not a woman," snapped Yumichika.

"Really? Ya certainly had me fooled," smiled Gin, "The way ya preen an' keep bitchin' an' keepin' the top of your robe closed."

"I'm not a woman!" repeated Yumichika more loudly.

"Care to prove it Aya-kun?" chirped Gin.

"What the? Gin what the hell! Stay back! Stop patting my chest like that!"

Rangiku smiled and continued her sake. She would enjoy this for now. After all, she did not always get sake and a show.

* * *

_What's this? Sen wrote shonen-ai? Actually, like all my fics, it's debatable. I like my fics to be ambiguous so the reader can decide and deliberate whether the pairings are there or not. I also think Yumi is Gin's perfect victim because he's stubborn and irritable, which Gin could have endless fun with. _


End file.
